FAQs About Forgiveness
by Phyllis Le PeauThe darkest season of my life was a period of time during which I refused to forgive my friend Karen. In my disappointment over a decision she had made, I chose to remain angry and allowed myself to become bitter. I knew what Scripture taught about reconciliation. I knew what I should do. I chose not to obey. I simply would not run the risk of being hurt again. In the whole process, supposedly protecting myself, I was hurting myself much more, along with many others.
There is much in God's Word concerning reconciliation - thoughts and principles that I chose to ignore. The fact that God has forgiven me is the basis, the very foundation of my forgiving another. We see in Colossians 1:19-22 that God has reconciled all things to himself through Jesus' death on the cross. We were his enemies and he made us his friends! He took the initiative. He paid the price.
It was only when I realized how dreadful my sin was that I was broken to the point of forgiving Karen. This led me to experience the grace of God in a deep way - not just to give intellectual assent to the fact that I need Jesus to save me. As I meditated on the cross and Jesus' gruesome death there for my sin, my pride, my hatred, my jealousy, my uncontrolled tongue, my bad thoughts and my selfish attitudes, I was finally, freely able to forgive.
Because it took me years to come to this point of brokenness and obedience in my relationship with my friend, there was great damage in the relationship to be dealt with - damage that could have been avoided had I simply obeyed God.
A life of forgiveness and freedom from bitterness is the only way to live. But I am certainly not suggesting that living this way is magical or even easy. Obedience to God is rarely easy. It often rubs against the grain of our sinful nature. Situations in which forgiveness is difficult often raise questions in our minds, especially when the cost of obedience seems high. Here are a number of "Frequently Asked Questions" (FAQs) about forgiveness.
1. What if I just don't feel like forgiving? This still happens to me all the time. My husband, Andy, and I received a bit of premarital counseling advice that I remember well: never withhold forgiveness from one another. That certainly hit a tender nerve because of what had happened with Karen.
Andy and I promised each other that we would always forgive. When I don't feel like forgiving Andy, I try to ask myself, Why not? Is this a power play? Am I gaining certain satisfaction from holding something over his head? Am I making him pay for what he has done? Am I afraid of being hurt again? Do I feel a sense of pride or superiority, a feeling that I would never do anything like what he did?
Often, just being able to put my finger on the reason for a feeling helps to lessen its control over me. But regardless of the reason - or whether or not I know what the reason is - my life does not need to be controlled by feelings. Love is much more than an emotion. I would suspect that in his agony on the cross, Jesus did not feel like forgiving. Obedience is an act of the will. When I obey the command to forgive, to relate to that person as if the offense had not occurred, often the feelings follow.
Praying for a person who has hurt me has also been vital in the restoration process. The biblical character Job is one example of this. Tragedy had befallen him, and his friends accused him of sin in their desperate search for an explanation. He prayed for his friends, even as they accused him. When we pray for the one we don't want to forgive, it's not a casual prayer request, but rather laboring before God for that individual. It's difficult for bitterness to grow in our heart if we are genuinely praying for that person.
2. What happens when I forgive or am forgiven? There are several things that take place when we forgive someone. Most important of all, we are obeying God and pleasing him. We are also humbled: I am giving up a form of control over that person when I release them from my bonds of bitterness. (Here it is important to understand that it's especially difficult to forgive if the person isn't asking for it.) Finally, granting forgiveness heals and builds trust. It even affects other relationships. My heart is softened and I am more willing to be vulnerable with others. I still feel the effects of being forgiven by my sister years ago. I was very jealous of her dating relationships; she was two years younger and attracting the young man I wanted to date! She met my anger and cruel treatment with unsolicited forgiveness and graciousness.
3. What if the other person won't forgive me? In thinking through the process of forgiveness, there are two potential problems: my not forgiving another and someone's not forgiving me. Perhaps the second is the most painful to me, because I feel so totally out of control when this happens. It's humbling to go to someone and ask to be forgiven, and it's very painful if they will not forgive. When I have done all in my power to get things right with that person and she doesn't forgive, it is time again to pray without ceasing. My prayer in this kind of situation is, "Please grant healing. Give her the strength to obey you." I also ask God to keep my heart from bitterness and to help me respond as Jesus would. He was falsely accused before many but didn't open his mouth in prideful self-defense.
4. How do I pick up the pieces when forgiveness is granted? The old saying, "To forgive is to forget," is not necessarily true in real life. The period of time right after forgiveness is granted could be called "fallout." For a while, the memories of the pain remain, even though forgiveness has been granted. Ultimately the situations are forgotten, but since that doesn't happen immediately, we should avoid measuring our forgiveness by loss of memory. Forgiving involves making a choice about what we do with what we remember. Don't dwell on the incident, and choose never to use it against that person. Relate to that person as if he or she had never sinned against you.
5. How do I keep relationships from getting so bad that it's very difficult to forgive? Talk, talk, talk. Listen, listen, listen. So much of our hurt and resentment is due to lack of communication. The command in Scripture not to let the sun go down on our anger is both wise and practical. Resolving small problems is much easier than when they are allowed to grow into big problems.
Maybe an issue seems small, or you know it's just you who are irritated. Often you'll find you just can't talk yourself through it - it's still a problem. You still need to talk in order to resolve it. Talking honestly about your feelings and listening attentively to the other brings increased understanding and almost always resolution.
Feelings that are not discussed but rather repressed will continue to push their ugly heads up at any given opportunity. This is especially true when circumstances similar to the original hurt occur. Again it is the practicality and wisdom of Scripture that sets the pace for us: in Matthew 18:15, Jesus tells us to go to the other person if the sin is against us, and in Matthew 5:23-24 to go to the other person if we sin against him or her. So in both cases, going to settle with our brother or sister is our responsibility. We cannot wait until he or she comes to us. There is too much at stake.
6. What's the best way to seek someone's forgiveness? First, surround your effort with prayer. Second, whenever possible, ask in person. Third, don't "apologize," which actually means to defend what you did. Instead, say, "Will you forgive me?" That's far more effective than just, "I'm sorry." It gives the other person the opportunity to respond with, "Yes, I forgive you," in order to clear the record.
A final point is that we must be able to forgive ourselves. Satan is our accuser. One of his greatest tools is guilt. He accuses us constantly. He will even stoop to creating false guilt, guilt over offenses already forgiven by God, to keep us oppressed and defeated. The liberating message of the gospel of Jesus Christ is, "You are forgiven." Being free to forgive is the only way to live.
One night, some time after I had forgiven my friend, the phone rang. It was Karen. She was weeping and told me of her mother's death. She called because she knew I cared and would understand. She and I wept in shared grief, but mine were also tears of joy and gratitude. The call reminded me of the healing and restoration that had taken place in a once shattered and broken relationship. The freedom of forgiveness and reconciliation is truly possible through the power of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Permission is granted to make and distribute verbatim copies of this article for educational purposes provided this permission notice, and the copyright notice below are preserved on all copies. Not to be reprinted in any other publication without permission. © 1998 InterVarsity Christian Fellowship/USA. All rights reserved. This article first appeared in the Spring 1998 issue of Student Leadership Journal®.
Unless otherwise noted, all materials on the urbana.org web site are Copyright InterVarsity Christian Fellowship / USA. All rights reserved.
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