Helping Each Other Through Loss
by Jay SivitsI walked onto campus just before noon. It was my first visit to this large midwestern school, and I was planning to meet with each of the InterVarsity leaders, sit in on a planning meeting, visit several small groups and prayer meetings, and attend the large group meeting. All in 48 hours.
Since this was my first visit as a staff worker, I was asking a lot of questions, trying to get to know individual students as well as the "lay of the land." Several chapter leaders realized I needed information. As Maria and I met over lunch, she would point out students in the residence hall food line who were part of the graduate chapter and tell me a little about them.
"That's Tom standing over there," Maria said. "He used to be real involved in the fellowship, but dropped out this year."
"Do you know why he's no longer involved?" I asked.
Maria's face saddened and she looked again at Tom, no longer keeping eye contact with me. "Yes. He feels like we let him down."
"How so?"
"Well, about this time last year Tom's sister was diagnosed with cancer. The chapter rallied around Tom, and each week we were updated on the most recent treatments and tests. He seemed to be handling it all pretty well. In the spring, his sister wasn't doing much better, so he asked for a leave from his program to spend time with her. During the early part of summer his sister died. Several folks from the chapter went to the funeral. Tom was pretty distraught. When he came back to school in the fall, he started out in a small group and attended large group, but he seemed moody and distant. After a couple of weeks, he just quit showing up at stuff. He kind of dropped out."
"We got word a few weeks later that Tom had felt 'let down' by the group because no one had contacted him over the summer after his sister died. And when he returned to campus, even though we asked him how he was doing, he felt people didn't really care."
I would like to say this is the only chilling conversation I've had with students about grief, friendship and chapter life. But two other similar situations came to my attention that year on staff. What all three situations had in common were that family members had died, somehow the grieving student had felt "let down" by the chapter, and the student had subsequently dropped out of the fellowship.
Such conversations with students have made me realize with gratitude the rich knowledge base and heart understanding I have from being a nurse. I've also learned first hand about grief from my own father's death eight years ago.
Along with this article, you'll find other contributions from students and staff. Their stories are full of both feelings and insights, both "head" and "heart" issues that you'll find helpful. We all need to keep learning-not only head knowledge about grief, but we need to allow God to expand our hearts to allow us to help a friend experience good grief. Here are some practical guidelines for helping others and ourselves through loss.
Be Present
One of the best gifts you can give a grieving friend is your presence. Not just your words, but also your person. When people are hurting and in pain, part of the way they grieve is to tell their story. Often all they want is for someone to listen. Sometimes they need to keep telling about what they have been through, or some added dimension they are experiencing. Let them do the talking. Even when they don't feel like talking, they need to know that someone cares.
It's not so much what you say to someone grieving, but who you are for that person in his or her crisis. Often in these situations, when we try to impart wisdom or comfort verbally, our words have a hollow ring. We may rattle on just to fill the void, because we're uncomfortable with silence. Worse yet, we may grab Scripture and use it in a way that wounds instead of heals (for example, the trite use of Romans 8:28 can hurt the newly bereaved more than help-but more on the appropriate use of Scripture later). Your best bet, if you are tempted to fill the silent places with words, is to pray silently for your friend instead (you can talk all you want to God). In short, listen, listen, and listen again!
When a friend loses someone close, being present will mean trying to make it to the funeral. After the funeral, you might want to stop by for a brief visit and to meet the family (if you are thinking of doing this, ask first).
Be Personal
Grief is unique to each person. There are general patterns of grieving in crisis situations that can give you some clues about what stage your friend is in, but remember that no two people experience grief in the same way, nor do they want or need the same things from friends.
My godchild made a rich observation about her parents and grief. One day she told me, "Mommy cries on the outside, but Daddy cries on the inside." It isn't that her dad doesn't experience grief, it's just that his way of expressing it is very different from her mom's.
Although I usually cry easily, when my dad died, I was too busy at first to take the time to cry. One of my family members even questioned me on why I wasn't crying. I didn't find that helpful - in fact it was just one more thing thrown at me to deal with at the time.
Be who you are, and allow your friend to be who he or she is-even if that's someone different from the friend you've known in the past. If this is his or her first experience with crisis, grief will walk in as a stranger. People in grief often feel like they don't even know themselves at times. Once a person has been through intense grief, there will be a familiar face to it the next time. But the first time, grief is a very unwelcome stranger.
You will learn new things about your friend if you carefully observe and allow him or her to develop during the grieving process.
Be Persistent
The InterVarsity chapter I described earlier made a big mistake with Tom: the members weren't persistent to pursue him over the long haul during his grief process. Tom's friends moved on to their summers in academia, but Tom stayed home working on his grief with the rest of the family. He needed to hear from and see members of the fellowship over the summer.
After the initial shock and immediate work of the funeral is done, an empty space in life appears. Those who have lost someone realize, much to their horror, that the world is moving on, and that they're not ready to go along. They want to stop people and ask them, "Don't you know my sister just died? Don't you care?"
If you want to offer people a real gift, let them know you still care after all the attention has subsided. I have a friend who waits a month to send a sympathy card. On the one-month anniversary of the person's death, she sends her card along with a note, letting the grieving family know she is still thinking of and praying for them.
For some time following the loss, continue to ask your friend how he or she is doing with grief. Holidays are often difficult; watch for ways to be supportive and encouraging.
When my dad died, one friend warned me that it would take a full year to feel "normal" again. Her caution helped me set my own expectations, and freed me to talk about my dad, good memories and special times we would often have during holidays.
Be Patient
Grief is "homework" to be done. It takes a lot of energy, a safe place and sometimes a stimulus to grieve well. With the busyness of life, the opportunity and a safe place aren't always available. It may take a long time. Not only that, but it may be a while before your friend is even willing to face grief. Grief is no speed contest.
Grief is often like an onion: you peel a layer and cry (inside or out). Then your tears dry up and you move on. Then something triggers another layer of the "grief onion" to be peeled and you cry again. Sometimes you can't predict what will trigger the peeling of a layer. It might be a holiday, a picture or a place. Even a scent may bring memories of loved ones to the surface.
About two months after my dad died, I remember a particularly difficult day. Grief had again surfaced. I was talking about it with one of my colleagues, and I could sense her impatience. I heard it when she blurted out, "When are you going to get over this?" Once out of her mouth, it shocked both of us, but it reflected her true feelings. And yes, people can "get stuck" in their grief and need some encouragement to continue their grief work. But if you are tempted to prod someone along, make sure it is what he or she needs, and not just something that will satisfy your own impatience or deal with your own discomfort.
Be Practical
The best help you can give immediately is to assist with what needs to be done. From meals, transportation, child care and phone calls to house cleaning, laundry and picking people up at the airport, there are many tangible ways to help your friend. In the immediate stages of grief your friend may not even be able to tell you what needs to be done, so put yourself in his or her shoes and get to work. You friend will still want to handle some things in order to keep busy. But there are usually a number of practical things you can do.
In cases where your friend has to leave campus and then return, be aware of the loneliness that will encroach, especially if he or she lives alone or with roommates who are not close. It might be helpful to arrange for someone to stay with a returning student for a few days.
Be Positive
Offer hope, but don't preach. "Grieve not as those who have no hope," says the Apostle Paul (1 Thessalonians 4:13). As believers we have a hope, both immediate and long term, that the world does not share. In grief, that hope can get lost or misshapen. Reminders of God's presence and care, God's ultimate love, and the Holy Spirit's companionship and comfort may help lift the darkness and isolation of loss. Sharing a Scripture or a prayer at the appropriate time can bring a sacredness to the experience of loss. Think of ways to use Scripture as the basis for praying for a friend.
A good way to be prepared for sharing Scripture is to keep a list of those Scriptures that have brought you comfort or help in certain circumstances. It also might be a worthwhile, proactive exercise to find and share such Scriptures in your small group.
Along with Scripture and prayer, we need to bring the person in grief to Jesus. Only God through the work of the Spirit can heal the pain and loss and restore hope, allowing your friend to enjoy good memories without being overcome by pain. In grieving, a person may feel that his or her prayers are not getting any higher than the ceiling in the room. Our gentle coming along side can help strengthen our friend's ability to pray or to focus the limited available emotional and spiritual energy present in grief.
Be Prepared
Resources are available to help us and others in grief. Check out the books listed in the sidebar article, Books on Grief. It might be helpful to choose one to read soon. As a chapter, think through resources in your area for students who might need some pastoral counseling or help through times of crisis or grief. Keep a list of pastors and counseling centers, especially those known to be gifted in grief counseling. Your local staff worker might also be available to assist grieving students or may be able to refer you to other resources.
Grief is hard work, but good work. God in his grace saw fit to give us the capacity to grieve, to heal and to change. He can and will give us himself in the process. He is always available, night or day, for those in grief, or for those who are called to help the grieving.
Students like Tom don't have to slip through the cracks. Let's help each other through loss. Our fellowships can be models of Christian communities that "grieve, but not as those who have no hope."
Read What About Eternity?, an article on the afterlife, by Shelley Soceka.
Read Amy's Story . . . When There Are No Words: Taking Care of Yourself in Grief, by Amy Brooke.
Read Stages of Grief.
Jay Sivits, InterVarsity® Christian Fellowship
NOTE: We didn't realize until we had titled this article that Good Grief was also an excellent book.
Permission is granted to make and distribute verbatim copies of this article for educational purposes provided this permission notice, and the copyright notice below are preserved on all copies. Not to be reprinted in any other publication without permission. © 1997 InterVarsity Christian Fellowship/USA. All rights reserved. This article first appeared in the Winter 1997 issue of Student Leadership Journal®.
Unless otherwise noted, all materials on the urbana.org web site are Copyright InterVarsity Christian Fellowship / USA. All rights reserved.
Print
Email
Comments
Be the first one to add a comment.
To post a comment, please login or register