Stages of Grief
Swiss-born psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has counseled hundreds of patients and their families through her research into death and dying. She described the classic pattern of the coping strategies of patients who know their diagnosis is terminal.
The first stage is denial. Upon hearing the diagnosis, the patient reacts with a shocked, "No, not me." According to Dr. Kubler-Ross, this is a healthy stage, and permits the patient and the family to develop other defenses.
Next comes anger or resentment. "Why me?" is the question asked now. "Why my child?" Blame, directed against the doctor, nurses and God often is a part of this stage. This outcry should be accepted, unjudged.
The third stage is bargaining. "Yes me, but, if you'll just give me five years, God, I'll . . ." This Dr. Kubler-Ross calls a period of temporary truce.
The fourth stage is depression. Now the person says, "Yes, me," with the courage to admit that it is happening; this acknowledgment brings depression. (Note: The family often goes through all the stages, along with the patient.)
Finally comes acceptance, a time of facing death calmly. This is often a difficult time for the family, since the patient tends to withdraw, to be silent.
To understand that these stages are normal is to be freed from alarm when they occur. We need not fear that a person is losing his or her faith because of anger or depression.
Amy Carmichael once said, "In acceptance lieth peace." And it is most true when the acceptance is of impending death.
What can we do during the unfolding of these successive stages? Dr. Kubler-Ross suggests that the best response is to listen, not to try to "prove" anything to the patient, but to listen.
And at times there will be nothing to listen to; we can only sit with the grieving one, lending support by our simple presence.
Read What About Eternity?, an article on the afterlife, by Shelley Soceka.
Read Helping Each Other Through Loss, by Jay Sivits.
Read Amy's Story . . . When There Are No Words: Taking Care of Yourself in Grief, by Amy Brooke.
Joseph Bayly in The Last Thing We Talk About (Revised), David C. Cook Publishing Co.
Permission is granted to make and distribute verbatim copies of this article for educational purposes provided this permission notice, and the copyright notice below are preserved on all copies. Not to be reprinted in any other publication without permission. © 1997 InterVarsity Christian Fellowship/USA. All rights reserved. This article first appeared in the Winter 1997 issue of Student Leadership Journal®.
Unless otherwise noted, all materials on the urbana.org web site are Copyright InterVarsity Christian Fellowship / USA. All rights reserved.
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