Thanks, Jane, for feeling free to write me about a very personal matter.

Your statement seems to reveal two things to me:

- Your struggle with personal guilt.

- God's continued searching for you.

I join you in your sorrow that you did not respond to God's call to go forward when the invitation was given. Yes, it would have cost you your pride, but sometimes this is what the Lord calls us to. However, all is not lost by any means.

Remember the Prodigal Son? How often did his father go out and look down the road, hoping that this day his son would return. The Lord who gave the life of His Son for you continues to call. To change the figure, He is the Good Shepherd willing to go to any lengths to find His lost sheep.

Your experience is so deep and so traumatic a reality, I would encourage you to seek out your minister or another mature Christian with whom you have confidence, and pour out your memory and your feelings of guilt to him (her).

You don't have to know the person; just that they are worthy of confidence and have spiritual sensitivity. They can thus assure you of God's promise of forgiveness. Although as Protestants we are not in total agreement with the Roman Catholic practice of the confessional, there are times when confessing our sins to another individual is helpful.

Note how James 5:16 counsels us: "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other that you may be healed." Although he gives us this word in a context of physical healing, I think it is of equal value in a situation like yours.

I would like to share a hymn with you. It was written by a German named Ger­hard Ter­steeg­en (18th Century) known by his contemporaries as "the friend of God." Here is a description of him in Google:

This hymn is a re­mark­a­ble so­lil­o­quy of an awak­ened and pe­ni­tent soul. It could have been writ­ten on­ly by one who had him­self through the deep spir­it­u­al ex­per­i­enc­es in­volved in con­vict­ion of sin and con­ver­sion from sin.

The au­thor was a some­what ec­cen­tric but deep­ly pi­ous mys­tic…At the age of twen­ty-se­ven Ter­stee­gen wrote, in his own blood, a ded­i­ca­tion of him­self to God, in which he says: “God gra­cious­ly called me out of the world and grant­ed me the de­sire to be­long to him and to be will­ing to fol­low him. I long for an eter­ni­ty, that I may suit­a­bly glor­i­fy him for it.”

Let me know what you think of his hymn.

Blessings on you, Jane. God loves you, whether you feel Him or not, and as the "waiting Father," calls you to return "home." His commission for service, then can come at any time.

In His Fellowship of Penitence,

Jack

God calling yet; shall I not hear?
Earth’s pleasures shall I still hold dear?
Shall life’s swift passing years all fly,
And still my soul in slumber lie?

God calling yet; shall I not rise?
Can I His loving voice despise,
And basely His kind care repay?
He calls me still—can I delay?

God calling yet, and shall He knock,
And I my heart the closer lock?
He still is waiting to receive,
And shall I dare His Spirit grieve?

Ah, yield Him all; in Him confide;
Where but with Him doth peace abide?
Break loose, let earthly bonds be riven,
And let the spirit rise to heaven.

God calling yet; and shall I give
No heed, but still in bondage live?
I wait, but He does not forsake;
He calls me still—my heart, awake!

God calling yet; I cannot stay;
My heart I yield without delay;
Vain world, farewell! from thee I part;
The voice of God hath reached my heart.