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Questions about: Apologetics and Theology
: (02/13/09)

I gave my life to Christ at an early age around 12.

I allowed him to grow me more and more like himself until the age of around 19, my sophomore year in college.

I don't know the exact moment (it may have been something about me realizing that God wanted me to find my identity in Him and in nothing or no one else), but I started to run from him.

First it started slow, like not praying as much, then not going to church, then actually sinning like fornication, cussing, being mean, not paying my tithes, etc. Now almost two years later, I want to have a meaningful relationship with God again and I am struggling with it.

I know that if I confess my sins, Jesus is faithful and just to forgive my sins. And I have done that and I have repented for many of my sins, but I still feel like I am not right with him - like so much has changed that I can never have an intimate relationship with him again, even though he is right there, calling me to himself again.

My question is: are there any biblical references etc you can point me to of men or women of God who have fallen and gotten back with God?

My struggle is with the fact that I knew God and the power of Jesus and I turned my back on him purposely (like I was allowing him to save me and then I went off and sinned on purpose). I feel worse than a sinner.

Also any books or other suggestions are welcomed as well.

Thanks, Jack,

"Ruth"

Jack:

Thanks for sharing your life so intimately. I am sure that there are many in your situation who could identify with you. Therefore, I’ll call you “Ruth” rather than use your real name, when I publish your question and my answer.

Probably the most well known illustration of what you are describing is David, himself, when after years of walking with the Lord, he knowingly and purposefully both committed adultery and murder. You can read the description of his sin in 2 Samuel 11. Then in Psalm 51, his prayer of confession.

I would encourage you to take a personal retreat, perhaps on a Saturday morning or a Sunday afternoon. Read David’s experience and then his prayer. Write down what you learn. Then review your own past, writing down specific actions you would like to bring before the Lord. Then pray your way through Psalm 51. What I mean by this, is read David’s words in this prayer, and make it your own.

Then in quietness be still and listen to the Lord’s word to you. I’m pretty sure He will whisper to you from your innermost being that He loves you, accepts your confession, and forgives you.

Then, project how you will live for Him in dependence upon Him from now on.

You might also want to go to your pastor or someone you see as a spiritual leader in whom you have confidence, and tell them what you have done. Although they can’t forgive your sins, they can pronounce over you that in the light of what you have done, you are forgiven.

Blessings on you, Ruth. God both wants to free you from guilt and free you to a new life of enjoying His love and presence. Jack

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me” (Ps 51:12.

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