Tracking the Trek 2003
If I let God near, what will he say to me?July 11th, 11:00 am, Beach on the Bay of Bengal.
We're on holiday! We'd been in Kolkata for three weeks now and were in need of rest and refocusing, so we headed south to he beautiful, wonderfully warm beaches of India. The travel agency we booked with upgraded us for no extra charge to a four star hotel. Joel said that he tried to argue with them, but he just couldn't make them understand why we wouldn't want a nicer hotel. So here we are, stuck with amazingly comfortable beds, air conditioned rooms and an AWESOME beach. Karen said that she feels guilty here - our friends who live on the streets of Kolkata can't just pack up and leave on a holiday like this. She's right - they can't and its not fair. I've been trying to feel guilty about it, but I just don't.
We got to swim on the beach today - divine. The surf was great and the water was warm. I had to wear a teeshirt and a skirt into the water since I'm a woman. I wouldn't have wanted to swim in just my swimsuit anyway, I'd hate to have the men there who never see women in swimsuits looking at me. But all he same, it was so hard to watch the guys running into the ocean and jumping over the waves. I so wanted to join them, but I couldn't in a skirt! It's the first time in my life that I ever felt like I couldn't do something because of the fact that I'm a woman. I'm surprised how frustrated I am.
Our purpose in coming here wasn't just relaxation - its also a time to reflect and to refocus for our last two weeks in the city. We started this morning, Saturday morning with a time of worship - which was so wonderful! It felt really good to sit in God's presence. Afterwords I got up and went for a long walk on the beach by myself - I needed time to listen to God.
(As I was walking two Buddist monks from Italy came up and talked to me. They wanted to take me to their temple - or take their temple to me?? I think I misunderstood. But they seemed really open to talking about religion, and I wanted to ask them if they'd heard of Jesus and what they thought of him. But I remembered Joel's warning about how hostile the people in that area are towards Christians. In fact, on of the men some of us are working with back in Kolkata was beaten there for openly being a Christian. So I didn't say anything. I wonder if I should have.)
As I walked I realized that all the emptiness and the lack of God I thought I'd been feeling since we arrived in Calcutta wasn't God's fault - it was my own. I haven't wanted God to come near. If I let God near, what will he say to me? What if he tells me that I need to change my life in ways that I don't want to change my life? But, in the few times I have let God near, the one thing I keep hearing him say is that he loves me. He loves me. Somehow - I'm really frustrated by that (why should God love me!? I don't even want to let him near.) and then, I'm just flabbergasted. I sat in the sand for a while and watched the waves crash. They were huge waves, they pounded down and rushed frothing forth. I thought about how God created that, and still cares to pursue a girl who doesn't seem to want him.
"How deep the father's love for us"....How STRANGE the father's love for us...
So I still don't understand why I should invest my heart in Calcutta, let it break and have compassion. I don't see how my tears will change a thing. But when God comes into the muddle I've made, he coems like a light and suddenly I see things for what they're worth. Its like the time I was walking in the streets with Nathan and the light was at that low angle. The fact that I don't understand why I should invest myself is only an excuse to keep my heart safe. I suppose I've known that all along. When I know God is God then I don't always have to understand every thing perfectly, that's faith I guess.
"For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Cor 13:10-12
One more thing: I feel like God is telling me I need to switch placements, I need to work with the Sisters of Charity. I think maybe this is more about learning to invest my heart into seemingly hopeless situations. I've talked with Joel and he says that he thinks it'll be okay with the school. But I have no idea how to tell the teachers or the students. And I'm terrified to work with the sisters.
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