Carolyn Carney
Civility 1 - Strangers on the Train
Recently, I rode a fairly full subway car and just before the doors closed to leave the station, a well-dressed woman quickly entered the car, a bit out of breath and windswept. She whooshed into the train and wedged herself in the last empty seat which happened to me right next to me. It was that most uncomfortable of New York moments when your body is pressed up against the body of the stranger next to you as you ride along determined not to make eye contact with anyone.
The woman, who seemed about my age, began to rifle through the pages of a thick binder on her lap, as if she were cramming for an exam. She politely scoonched (I’m sure this is a real word despite what spell check says!) forward in her seat, so that the flaps of her binder did not touch either of her neighbors and continued her anxious search. She flipped from section to section, reading a line here and there before turning over a page. She fidgeted in her seat and flitted her way through the notebook, looking more and more like a college student who hadn’t prepared well for her final. But it was a business suit and sleek stockings she wore rather than sweat pants and Teva’s. No, she was definitely a professional woman.
So absorbed in her notebook, she hadn’t realized the train had been stopped for about twenty seconds at the 14th Street station. Panicking, she craned her neck to see what stop it was. Her eyes revealed so much nervousness, I broke the first rule of hand-to-hand urban combat. I spoke to a stranger.
“It’s 14th Street,” I reassured her.
A relieved sigh nearly took all her breath.
Then without thinking, I simultaneously broke rules 2 and 3: Never intentionally touch a stranger and Never make what could be considered an intrusive personal observation.
I leaned forward touched her back and asked, “Are you OK? You seem really nervous.”
Finally, the tension lines on her face broke and she smiled, albeit hesitantly. “I’ve got to go to a hearing.” We did not go into the details of the hearing. That would have been over the top. But we talked of her insecurity of getting around by public transportation. She explained that though she lived in Florida now, when she had earlier lived in NYC, she always had access to a car service from work and never became acquainted with certain subway lines. I told her I was getting off at her same stop and would help direct her. She took a deep breath and sat back in her set, finally relaxed.
“Finally, all of you, have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart, and a humble mind.” (1 Peter 3: 8) Peter’s notion of a tender heart leads us to the concept of civility. Being courteous, polite, not rude. It’s that golden rule: do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. We are polite because others, like us, are made in the image of God. Why do we only tend to apply 1 Corinthians 13 to folks we know? What about strangers on a train? “Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.” (1 Cor 13: 4b-5) Living that out in our public interactions with strangers would go a long way toward sharing and embodying the love of Christ in a broken world.
In a quick web search I found numerous books on civility, including one by Yale law professor Stephen L. Carter, a website called Civility Associates which boasts the virtue of nurturing a culture of civility in the workplace, a National Civility Center which states that a better quality of life can be reached with more civility, an article by Frances Hesselbein, the former director of the Girl Scouts on the subject of The Power of Civility and my personal favorite: George Washington’s Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour. Washington’s last rule (of 110!) is a compelling charge: “Labour to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.”Unfortunately, being civil today is mostly defined from a negative perspective. For instance, rather than expelling venomous words in an argument, I smile at my enemy, bit my tongue and say something nice. This is what we usually mean when we talk about being civil. But Richard Mouw writes in Uncommon Decency,
“Many people today think of civility as nothing more than an outward, often hypocritical shell. But this cynical understanding of civility is yet another sign of the decline of real civility. (In the past) to be civil was to genuinely care about the larger society…It was the willingness to promote the well-being of people who were very different. Civility wasn’t merely an external show of politeness. It included an inner politeness as well.”
How can we be more civil to our neighbors? This is just a beginning list to stimulate our thinking. See how you can add to it. Be creative.
- Offer to help someone when they are carrying a heavy load
- Be quick to apologize for a wrong done
- Hold the door open for the next person
- Do your best to park evenly between the lines in a parking space so as to not encroach on another’s space. (This is especially helpful if you have a big vehicle.)
- Take your time in an outdoor conversation with a neighbor. Don’t rush off to do the next thing. Linger.
- Smile
- Take the initiative with a stranger.
- Treat a cashier like they have a soul, rather than an automaton ringing up your order. Greet service providers and retail people before you ask for what you want.
If we take Paul at his word, “consider others better than yourself” (Phil 2: 3b) we might be led to ideas that might stretch us further.
- Offer free babysitting to a single parent struggling to make ends meet, afford child care and live sanely.
- Spend a free evening visiting an elderly person who lives alone.
- When you shovel snow from your driveway or wash your car, why not consider doing the same for your neighbor.
- Consider adopting an orphaned refugee.
As the train pulled into the station and we exited, I looked for signs that would guide my friend and pointed her in the right direction. She thanked me effusively and as she walked off I noticed something I hadn’t before. Her black sneakers and limp hinted at the purpose of her court hearing. And so, I prayed for the woman as she went in search of her connecting train, hopefully, a little less anxious now and perhaps more likely to treat others with a fair amount of true civility.
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