Carolyn Carney
Civility 2: Why Is It So Difficult to Apologize?
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Matthew 5: 5, 9
In the middle of February a shot rang out that got the world’s attention. It was not the assassination of a world leader. Nor was it another of the suicide bombs in Iraq that we have all become numb to. Neither was it a gross disturbance of justice. It was an accident. But because the Vice President of the United States was involved the entire world was interested. For weeks the media, from the serious journalists of the Washington Post and New York Times to the late night funnymen of Leno and Letterman, had ample fodder to press against Dick Cheney. And their cause was helped by Mr. Cheney’s silence.
The Texas accident, where the Vice President unintentionally shot an acquaintance in the face while quail hunting, in my opinion, was blown out of proportion by the media. However, Mr. Cheney, the second in command of the most powerful nation in the world, is familiar to a position of power and all that that affords. He thought it best to wait four days before speaking publicly and chose a controlled setting for the interview. And in the Fox News interview, the Vice President finally admitted fault: “Ultimately, I'm the guy that pulled the trigger and shot my friend.” Only after it was apparent that his friend would not die from his subsequent heart attack. I may not be acquainted with all the ins and outs of political maneuvering, but I do know you shouldn’t wait so long to own up to a wrong.
In the seventies a tear-jerker romance got a lot of press for a one-liner. During the closing minutes of “Love Story” one of the principle characters says to the other principle character “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” This line was parodied countless times in sitcoms and other movies. Rightfully so. Contrary to Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw, love means we should always admit a wrong and apologize. Even if we are, and perhaps especially if we are, a public figure. Hopefully, though, we don’t take as long as the Vice President. I realize that we are not privy to the Vice President’s personal conversation with the victim, but it stands to reason that a public figure should have given more than an admittance of guilt. Why was it too difficult for Mr. Cheney to say “I’m sorry”? Ironically, it was his victim, who said he was sorry for what Cheney’s family had gone through at the hands of the press.
By and large, in society, and even in our churches, we are more concerned with protecting our reputation than admitting when we are wrong. We are becoming more angry, cynical, and defensive. Would saying I’m sorry not diffuse some of that? Recently researchers from Harvard Medical School and the University of Chicago conducted a study that found 16-million Americans may suffer from a form of anger called intermittent explosive disorder (IED), a condition characterized by “a failure to resist aggressive impulses’’. So now we all have a medical justification for punching someone’s lights out. Could it be that political correctness and tolerance has brought us to the brink of never having to say we’re sorry?
Maureen Dowd, in a recent Op-Ed piece in the New York Times, entitled “Teaching Remedial Decency”, commented on the irony of the war in Iraq. “Before the war, America railed against the Iraqi leader for slaughtering innocent Iraqis. Now the Iraqi leader is railing against America for slaughtering innocent Iraqis. Iraq wants to send away American troops to make life better for Iraqis, after American troops were sent in to make life better for Iraqis.”
Can we admit that we were wrong? And now Iran has joined N. Korea by lifting its head and the threat seems like two boys touting each other before a schoolyard brawl.
I remember the words of a great King who admitted his wrongdoing. When Nathan risks his life by confronting the ruler of his nation with adultery, no clue is given to David’s expression but his words display his heart. In 2 Samuel 12: 13, David, great King of the nation says, “I have sinned against the Lord.” He gives no long involved explanation, no excuse. But as genuine as his confession was (Psalm 51), sadly, we do not read of any apology made to Uriah’s family.
Retiring Catholic Cardinal Theodore E. McCarrick, urged politicians recently “For your sake and for the sake of our nation, we must restore greater civility to public discourse so that we attack problems and not one another.” Cardinal McCarrick intended his remarks for partisan politics, but could it not also be applied to our relationship with our global neighbors? We as a nation often come across as cocky, self-righteous, arrogant, unpoliceable, above the law. (These are all things said to me about the US by those I met when I lived abroad.) As Christian citizens living in this country do we not bear some of the responsibility for how the US comes across around the world? Certainly, the relationship the US has with the rest of the world is severely hindered when our leaders will not own up to a wrong.
It’s usually easier to see the wrong in someone else than in our self. Recently, the house next door to me was purchased. The buyer demolished the old house and constructed a new one in order to resell. One day I saw a surveyor measuring the property line separating my property from my neighbor’s. And when a fence was installed it sure looked like it was encroaching on my property. Now when you have a small, postage stamp-sized yard, eighteen inches makes a lot of difference. I thought I was getting ripped off by this developer and called him to take him to task. When we went outside and actually looked at the surveyor’s measurements, I saw that he was actually giving me grace, since part of a raised flower bed I had put in three years ago, is actually now, with the new measurements, in my neighbor’s yard. So the fence now has a funny jog in it, reminding me that it is me who is wrong.
I am wrong. It is my fault.
Those words go a long way to building trusting relationships with our neighbors. They are the words of the meek, of peacemakers. I want to use them next time I’m tempted to be silent and withdraw or become defensiveness or worse yet, act out in intermittent explosive disorder.
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