Carolyn Carney
Getting to Know You
Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again. I know that means going through adolescence once more and that’s something no one should ever have to do twice. But kids can be a bit more risky in relationships. This column is all about loving our neighbors. But how can we love our neighbors when we don’t even know them? Increasingly, it seems that in North America, neighbors are more reticent to talk to one another. Except for kids. I often have children coming up to me inviting me into the game they are playing or wanting to talk to me about the most curious of things they have just discovered. Being a kid again, would help me get to know my neighbors better. I’m sure of it. But for now, I’m stuck with my middle-aged insecurities. I’m working on it though.
I am endeavoring to take my time, not be in so much of a rush all the time. This affords me the opportunity to stop and talk with a neighbor. Recently, on the way to my car, which was parked on the street, I saw a man lying on a tarp, halfway under a late model station wagon with a few hand tools and wrenches scattered about him. He looked familiar so I thought he was most likely a neighbor, although I didn’t know his name. (At this point, I only knew a handful of my neighbors names even though I have lived in this house for five years.)
“Sorry about your flat tire,” I said as I walked past him and kept moving toward my car.
His answer surprised me, because he engaged me further. “Oh, it’s not a flat. I’m replacing my brakes.” Well, I stopped dead in my tracks. This is the city; people rarely ever wash their own cars, much less work on their cars. We don’t have driveways to work in, so he was actually lying on the road. And the fact that he had the ability and know-how to do such work fascinated me. If I can get the lug nuts off my tire I’m doing well.
We said a few more things to each other but it was a little difficult hearing him as his head was halfway under his car. It was our first time talking and I didn’t want to “wear out my welcome” on the initial venture. I wished him a successful day and as I walked off to my car, I was energized by the thoughts of future conversations and getting to know my neighbor a little better.
Sure enough, a couple weeks later as I left my house for church, he was outside again with the hood of his car up. This time I found out he was working on something I never even knew existed. I asked him how he got involved in working on cars, thinking maybe it was a skill he learned from his father. I had a mental picture of a father figure pointing out things to a small boy. But he said he taught himself, solely because he didn’t have the money to take his car to an auto-repair shop. This led to a quick primer on what different things under that hood would typically cost to repair at a shop and what it would cost him to fix by himself. This was more information than I could handle, but I was grateful for his willingness to take his time with me.
Finally, I introduced myself and found out his name was Salvador. He helped me adjust my wiper blade so it wouldn’t scrape on my windshield anymore, we said our good-byes and I was off to church, thanking God for the opportunity to meet Salvador.
This episode motivated me to tap more of my extraverted energies in meeting new people or simply to be curious about the folks that come across my path on a daily basis. Shortly after the “Salvador Incidences” I was traveling on a bus from my town to the next in order to catch a train to New York City. When who should happen onto the bus but this lovely young Indian mom who lives next door. I’ve been seeing her for a few years now and we always greet each other nicely when we bump into each other on the street, but it is never more than that. But this time we were both prisoners on this bus and because it was midday not very many people were on the bus and she came and sat near me.
I soon found out she was headed to town to pick up her son who was sick at school. Further into the conversation I found out, interestingly, that she thought our city was so unfriendly. She’d moved from the town where her son now goes to school because it got too expensive, but at least there people talked to you, she said. “Here, no one even greets you,” she said. I made a mental note that for the sake of God’s kingdom, I would strive to be friendlier.
And by the end of our short trip, we had exchanged names. I now knew another neighbor’s name and a bit about her life. This was getting exciting. I found that having a natural curiosity about people is a great starting point for getting to know my neighbors and those who come across my path.
Recently, while waiting for a friend on a busy NYC street corner I was approached by a woman wearing a bright green T-shirt, smiling and holding a clipboard. She was obviously hawking something or getting signatures or something like that. But rather than my usual, “No, thanks, I’m not interested” I remembered my excursions in getting to know Salvador and Manisha and decided I’d be more inviting. As it turned out we had a lot in common.
Epec was a Greenpeace volunteer. We talked at length about different subjects: global warming, human rights, Turkey (her home country) and the European Union, her volunteering and what that had been like standing on Broadway, 6 hours a day, striving to reach their goal of 2 or 3 folks to sign up. Talk about a tough crowd! When my friend arrived I quickly introduced them as my friend had just finished a master’s degree in human rights.
So from my forays into good neighboring I have thought of a few helpful ways to meet folk and perhaps share the love of Christ along the way. Some of these may pertain more to an urban context rather than suburban, but human nature is the same no matter where you live.
- Don’t be in a rush to get to where you are going. Stop and talk to neighbors.
- Introduce yourself to new neighbors within their first week of arrival. If they are new to town help them find the essentials: post office, grocery store, Home Depot, hospital, cheapest gas.
- Offer your help or expertise if someone seems to be in need.
- Simply be kind.
- If mail is wrongly delivered, hand-deliver it to the right address if possible, rather than just stick it in a mail box.
- Pay attention to celebrations so you can show that you are interested by asking a question. (Once I overheard my neighbors talking on their front stoop about their children’s birthday party. I went and bought them balloons the next day.)
- Be curious and interested, not nosy.
- Invite a neighbor over for a summer barbecue.
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