Reflections
THE COLUMBINE KILLINGS DO NOT SURPRISE ME
By Pete Hammond
I am partially to blame for this tragedy. My own children suffer from
affirmation deficits.
I now realize that my three children had a clearer grasp of what I did not like about them than what I did. They heard disapproval and my constant exhortations for better performance on a regular basis. I made my assessment of their choices of friends, music, clothing, hair styles, schedule, studies and eating habits in some way every day. I pressed them to do better in areas I valued.
Listen to middle-class parents as we scrutinize our children's lives-touting social, academic, athletic and achievements that are based upon beating others out for the top billing over peers or siblings: "My Kaitlyn just won...." or "My Eric is captain of....." or "Our Daniel got straight 'A's," and on and on. The pressure to achieve or please others seems to never end.
And then we drop them in social institutions called schools that are riddled with demands, rules, pressures for conformity, deadlines to achieve, and adults on the prowl for short-comings and wrong-doings. They are constantly assessed, measured, graded, disciplined and appraised by teachers, hall monitors, coaches, school security guards, administrators, police and counselors.
Many authority figures in their lives clearly let them know what is unacceptable with a constant stream of disapproval, disciplinary "time-outs" and grounding along with daily messages like "Jessica why can't you...?!" demanding even more.
What does this say to confused and insecure adolescents who are unsure of what dynamics are happening in their rapidly changing bodies and the very challenging social structures where they are pressed together with other confused teens. Moreover, what should they conclude about themselves when they see teachers and school boards fighting over money, jobs, perks and career security at their expense? What is it like to have siblings who seem to get approval for various parentally accepted accomplishments? How does it feel to have parents who are preoccupied with careers? It is not
surprising that many just stop competing, opt out of the system, and start acting out their pain.
But this is not a new problem.
Cain was consumed by jealousy when his baby brother Abel received approval and he didn't. Deep insecurities led to an attention-getting act of murder. He took out the competition in his need for acceptance. And then, a few years later, his parents, Adam and Eve, introduced yet another baby brother, Seth, declaring at his birth, "God has given us a son to take the place of Abel, who was killed by his brother Cain" (Gen 4:25, CEV.) What must Cain have felt as he heard that announcement picking at his old wounds of competition and guilt? And I wonder what Seth experienced as he slowly realized that he was not loved, but only a substitute for a new baby brother he had never met?!
We find a similar story in the Christian New Testament. Consider the apostle Paul's role in young Timothy's life. Here was a youth who did not have a male role model of faith in his dad. The parents were doubly divided-the mother and grandmother were Jews who had accepted Jesus as Messiah. The dad was Greek with no particular faith. I'm intrigued by Paul's affirmations in his two letters to his young protégé as he declares, "... you are like a son to me.... Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners....I was the worst sinner of all!... Don't let people make fun of you just because you are young.... Stop drinking only water [and] take a little wine to help your stomach trouble and the other illnesses you always have.... Timothy, you belong to God.... Timothy, you are like a dear child to me.... Night and day I mention you in my prayers. I am always grateful for you...." (1 Tim 1:2, 1:15-16, 4:12, 6:11, 2 Tim 1:2, 3 CEV) His spiritual daddy communicated love clearly and repeatedly. In this context of affirmation, Paul could then instruct Timothy about life, duty and work, and it would not convey conditional love that had to be earned.
Affirmation deficits are killers of the spirit. Starvation for acceptance
and approval can make an emerging adult desperate enough to lash out and make their presence in the human race an unavoidable reality. Sometimes it begins with what family and youth counselors label "individuation." Minor acts of disobedience regarding house chores, homework or cleanliness signal a need for identity and love. Or it can be hair styles, clothing or language. Another level might include outright disobedience, in-your-face anger, or violence. That is why the shootings in Jonesboro, Paducah and Columbine do not surprise me.
At some point, many children discern the impossibility of acceptance and resign from the competition and pressure. They give up trying to please or fit in. They join some peer group that will welcome a style of life that has its own membership. It can be in the form of a gang, a class skipping club, a smoking or drug clique, or a fantasy fulfillment network. Somewhere to belong will be sought out.
Have you ever heard a pregnant teen declare, "I'm keeping this baby so I have someone who loves me!"? Can you hear the loneliness? Can you hear the cry for companionship?
Our Christian faith is called "Good News." Here is where sinners find refuge in the message of acceptance and love. Did Christ die for our achievements? Does God love us because we perform well? Is grace meted out in response to our ability to rise to the occasion or met some standard of perfection? No! Our father sent his only son to die for our failures and inability to perform up to standards. He loved us when we were at our worst and found a way to deliver strong acceptance. Our children deserve the same kind of love. So do the children of troubled homes.
My wife Shirley runs a public school program that provides mentors for at-risk children. The adults' motto is, "We are going to believe in these children until they believe in themselves." The mentor's mantra is, "Listen, listen, listen. Affirm, affirm, affirm." Thankfully, there are still many teachers who love developing children's self-understanding and abilities. They deserve our support.
When will our children hear that they are loved because of who they are rather than receive approval only when they perform for others or boost our parental egos?
Pete Hammond is a husband, daddy, and grandpa. A senior veteran of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and the leader of its Ministry In Daily Life work, he is the creative developer of the Word In Life Study Bible and a PC(USA) elder. He and Shirley live in Madison, WI and travel to Chicago to see their children and grandchildren at the drop of a hat.
Print
Email
