Reflections
THE FAMILY: A CALL TO LONG TERM WORK!
By Pete Hammond
Have you ever thought of long-range planning when it comes to family? Have you ever seen marriage as part of the work God calls us to? Too often a family does not benefit from workplace disciplines and skills, or the significance of being viewed as a "calling of God."
Most of us will experience at least fifty years in our marriage commitment. We would never enter into a business arrangement of that length without some clear understandings of what it involves (Matthew 19:4-6, 7:21-27, Luke 14:25-33). We are all too familiar with the elements of the traditional wedding vows— "...for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, etc." —but how about the very different periods or eras within marriage of the long road to "til death do us part?" Fifty years is not just one long marathon, but rather it is a collection of very different phases in which roles are quite different for the husband and wife. It is a high calling to become one flesh and to be each others servant as seen in Colossians. 3:l2-l7 and in I Corinthians 7:3-5. Here are eight different phases within marriage. Each has its own basic characteristics:
THE HONEYMOON YEARS
In this phase of marriage, two individuals with very different family experiences and value systems begin to discover each other’s background and unique makeup. This period begins during the courtship and ends with the birth or adoption of the first child. Differences and similarities arise in areas like values, money, sexuality, faith, use of time, and personal habits. Each one of these discoveries is an opportunity for growth or conflict. Choices must be made to engage the roots of the differing views and develop a mutual understanding. Then, in Christ, these differences can be blended into a third way, rather than become situations where one loses and the other wins. It is a time of both individual and unified growth.
THE CHILD-BEARING YEARS
This period begins with the conception or adoption of the first child and ends when the last child begins formal education. Very new dynamics surface in the couple’s relationship as childcare, schedule, food and feelings adjust to the arrival (or is it an invasion?) of this new third party, and maybe more. Often the male feels demoted as mother and child bond in birth and nursing or even more if she becomes the primary care giver. It is in this adjustment period, the "honeymoon" patterns of growing your love through dating can serve the couple as they apply the lessons and new patterns to their children. It is very important to find ways to continue the honeymoon so the parents can keep growing in their love for one another. Find ways to keep dating each other!
THE CHILD-REARING YEARS
This time lasts through the children’s elementary and high school years in general. One of the largest new factors here is usually the arrival of new authority figures into the family structure. They come in the form of school teachers, school peers and bullies. Prior to this time the parents had the final word, but now the family must adjust to their values, decisions and schedules being impacted from outside. This is a time of great processing and should be characterized by lots of careful listening, thoughtful discussions, prayers together and mutual support. There is great opportunity for discovery, testing and unity in the face of many opposing factors coming into the family system. Mom and Dad need to join together in helping the children process the values that often conflict with what they have learned within the family. Also, the parents need to find ways to continue dating and discovering one another in the midst of these very child-focused years.
THE CHILD LAUNCHING YEARS
This period begins at some unknown moment when your children discover "love" in the form of puberty and it ends sometime after the last one leaves home for work, college or marriage. It has quite indefinite boundaries due to the variables of the kids dance of love and their leaving home. There seems to be many flashbacks or crashes in the process where parents become needed on very short notice. Many opportunities for "trial runs" of freedom need to be offered so that failure can be experienced while the children are still under the acceptance and care of the family. An environment of openness is important so that failure in money, freedom, schedule, relationships, studies, and sexuality can be processed in a loving and restorative manner. It is also a time of adjustment between the parents as they find each other in new ways as they adjust to the diminishment of these very demanding additions to their almost forgotten honeymoon experience where they started all of this. They also need help in avoiding defining themselves by the success or failure of the children. We are all sinners and the kids will act that out their own struggles in order to discover their need of God too.
THE EMPTY NEST YEARS
They are gone (the kids, that is), and all you have is each other again! Often employment is stabilized too. Now you will find out whether you kept dating or courting and growing in your love for each other all these years. Many couples make the mistake of developing child-centered or career-dominated lives, and end up hardly even knowing each other when that is all they have left after children! The quality of this empty nest period is determined by how you grew together in the intervening years. Some empty-nest parents hardly recognize each other when all the other attention-getters are removed. What could be a time of joyous recovery of full attention to each other is often lost earlier through neglect. Letting go of the kids can open up regaining each other again.
THE EARLY GRAND-PARENTING YEARS
When your children begin having children, family dynamics change again. The new parents are immersed in phase number two with all its demands. As their energies ebb, their self-view is very fragile and they need help, affirmation and encouragement. You are the dominant authority figures in their world and your opinion really matters. Find ways to affirm and encourage them as you adjust to your children raising their children, often quite differently from how you did it. Resist criticism and judgement. These little ones are not your babies. God assigned these new babies to the care of your adult children, not you. Adjust to the change, which includes the having center of attention shift to the little ones while the young parents needs intensify. Don’t play "leap-frog love" and shower all your attention on the grandchildren. Your children need you, maybe more now than ever.
THE UNEMPLOYED YEARS
Retirement from jobs or major community leadership raises new issues. Your identity is challenged because attention shifts away from you and the external flow of affirmation, and sometimes significance declines. Who we are will now be less defined by bosses, peers and co-workers. Your love of one-another is a bigger source of soul food than during the child-focused years and your career experience. This can be a big downer, or it can be a significant growth time spiritually as the culture loses some of its hold on you, and eternity’s values are considered a bit more. Learn how to date each other in new ways. Explore new forms of serving others— preferably together. Step further into church, community, and neighborhood activity. Review and celebrate the journey you have had so far. Explore your birth family heritage and find ways to minister to its members, including your siblings. Don’t just coast into inactivity. Don’t "retire,"— redeploy!
THE ALONE YEARS
Usually one spouse outlives the other. This solo for the remaining spouse period will expose the level of personal and individual growth experienced or neglected during marriage. Some couples do not establish patterns that make for stronger individual strengths. Rather, they become so intertwined or co-dependant that the removal of one partner causes the other to crash. Hobbies, personal interests, and friendships sustained through the marriage will carry you into this period of grief, adjustment and service to others. Mentoring others might become a calling.
Many of us are called into marriage by God (Genesis 2:l8-25) to practice it in the spirit and disciplines of Colossians 3:l2-21, Ephesians 5:22 - 6:4, and I Corinthians 7:l-5. Here we find the call to commit to each other "in one flesh," "bearing up each other up," "loving one another," and "being each other’s caretaker." Each of these texts can help us grow and adjust in this long walk together. Joining with some other couples for open discussions about the work of marriage can help clarify where you are and what is needed most. Reading about the families in Scripture (the first eight families of the Bible in Genesis, Song of Solomon, Hosea 1-3, Job 1-3, 40-42, Ruth, Moses, Jehovah & Israel and Christ & the Church) can open up new understandings and patterns.
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