Reflections
THOSE DANGEROUS POSSESSIVE PRONOUNS
By Pete Hammond
Do you remember those childhood arguments over toys where each combatant loudly declared, " It's mine-you can't play with it! "? As childish as it might seem to us now, I think as adults we still do it-with much more dangerous outcomes. In everyday language we freely describe many things in life as our possessions. I do it whether I speak of a paycheck, a spouse, a job, or the church. I casually identify each one as "mine," without really considering the terrible implications involved.
I can't count the times I refer to Shirley as " my wife ." What do I really mean when I say this? Do I view her as a possession, a captive, or a slave? Does this kind of casual identification betray my real attitude that I expect her to be a servant to my needs, desires and whims? Does it deny her real nature as a child of God with freedom of choice, eternal life, and unique makeup that exists nowhere else? I fear that it really reflects my deep tendency to view myself as god-like and full of expectations about my own importance over hers. This kind of casual possessive reference to the most important human in my whole life betrays the fact that Shirley is really my primary calling from God to receive service, love, and sacrifice from me. Marriage does not mean I gained her, but rather, that I accepted God's call to become her caretaker, defender, and companion. Wedding vows call for commitment to your partner in the same way God became the husband of Israel (Isa. 62:1-5) and Jesus married the church (Eph. 5:21, 25-33). Put simply, she is not my wife or my children's mother-I am her husband!
Have you ever thought about what it means to say, " My job , my career, or my work?" I'm beginning to realize these terms signal a problematic attitude within me. Instead of viewing it as a privilege full of high calling and a constant demand to perform well, I easily slip into focusing on what I perceive as my rights and perks that the employer must honor. Personal entitlement is beginning to grip my soul. If we multiply that by scores or thousands of employees, then the company, school or government agency is no longer mission-driven. It becomes a cacophony of competing demands focused inward, while the customer, the students or the citizens are ignored or even seen as interruptions. I need to recover the spirit of the defining message of creation where we read about God making us in his image to enhance the earth and expand its blessings to all people (Gen 1:26-31). Our jobs are callings to serve others. I also now see the seventh day break, or Sabbath, as a regular reminder that I am much more than what I do. I am cherished by God for who I am, and what I do is only one expression of that. The Sabbath was designed to limit my tendency toward being addicted to work or job. A long trail of tears, well documented, shows that jobs can unconsciously become our total identity, and we only engage that sickness when we are fired, disabled, or too old to hire. A job is a gift from God-not a right for my own benefit.
Have you ever found yourself defending a passion, a mistake, a feeling, or a need by saying, " Sorry, you'll just have to accept the fact that this is who I am. "? It seems to be in style these days for the individual's "rights" to reign supreme-whether it is personal sexual appetite, driving patterns, gaining wealth or privilege, gender assertions, worker's needs, one family member's preferences over others, home owner's interests over neighborhood benefits, or a myriad of other manifestations of " my way , or no way!" Our world seems to be becoming a collection of individual needs or personal privileges, rather than a united nation or community who cares about the common good. Each individual's gratification is becoming the decisive factor and all else be damned-even if it means others suffer or lose out; our health is destroyed; or the common good is buried under an avalanche of personal pleasure. This exaltation of the individual's rights leads to accelerated crime, unjust laws, and the dangerous removal of all boundaries or limits. Other people become merely tools for our use, throw-away items, or hindrances that must be removed so we can get what we want. No wonder abortion, infanticide, the death penalty, drive-by-shootings, race wars, and genocide seem to be more acceptable. Self-centeredness has helped our culture turn inward while becoming destructive. It is high time for Christians to break these patterns and devote themselves to Jesus declaration, " I came, not to be served, but to serve others " (Matt 20:28, Mk 10:45). Saltiness includes sacrificial kindness.
Have you slipped into casually referring to possessions with possessive pronouns? Do you find yourself describing your residence, car, stereo, or clothes as " my... or mine "? What do we mean when we say that? Do we really think we created them and can determine their ultimate value only in terms of how we benefit from them? Are we slipping into the dangerous territory of equating our identity with the things we use? Is our self-image becoming one with the stuff we have? Is greed, materialism, image-consciousness, and privilege creeping into our souls and dulling our sense of belonging to God as members of the human race who need each other? Are we on the edge of withholding the necessities of life from the neediest in the world so we can insulate ourselves from the fear of want or involvement in alleviating the suffering of others? God sought to warn Israel of this dangerous tendency when they were on the brink of the new and rich opportunity of receiving the long-awaited gift of entering the "land of milk and honey." He said, " I gave you a land on which you had not labored, and towns which you had not built, and you live in them; you eat the fruit of vineyards and olive yards that you did not plant. Now therefore, revere the Lord, and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness.... " (Joshua 24:13-14). Let's hold our things lightly and use them with thanksgiving regularly.
Have you heard anyone refer to " my church " recently? I tend to do it, and most clergy do too. But I wonder about its appropriateness. Scripture speaks of the church as the "bride of Christ" (Rev 21:2.9) and the Lord's church (Matt 16:18). Possessive terminology about what the Scriptures refer to as the "body of Christ" (1 Cor 12:27, Eph 4:12) can be a symptom of sloppy thinking, poor spiritual understanding, or worse, an addiction to ownership of the people, the building, and the social position of the institution. It can also lead to overwork and burnout for the clergy if they perceive themselves as owners who are responsible for everything that happens. Too much power vested in a few leading staff and members can lead to broad-based passivity in the pew too. Soon we have a situation where 80-90% of a church are marginalized. We call them "laity," which some dictionaries describe as "uniformed and not involved." No wonder the church is in trouble! In addition, this kind of possessive terminology can imply that others are not welcome-it cannot become theirs because it is mine . We must remember that it is " the Lord's church and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it " (Matt 16:18). Who are we to act like gates or gatekeepers?
What do you think of money ? I see myself loving it a bit too much. It allows me access to special places and people, the privilege of choice, and the tendency to think I am secure on the days I think I have enough for the future. That can lead to a false security and destructive protectionism. I even find myself sometimes doing my charitable giving with a tinge of a "payoff" attitude, where I give God his portion and then dangerously function as if the remaining 90% is mine to do with as I wish. Whoops-the New Testament writers were crystal clear about this sickness when they said things like, " The love of money is the root of all evil ," (Paul in 1 Tim 6:10); " No one can serve two masters...you cannot serve God and wealth " (Jesus quoted in Matt 6:24); and " Take care! Be on guard against all kinds of greed; for one's life does not consist in the abundance of possessions " (Jesus in Luke 12:15). Greed is destructive and dangerous. It is desire out of control. I want to begin to live thankfully and as if I have sufficient for each day as administered by God. I have prayed "Give us our daily bread..." countless times, but I act as if I must guarantee my own supply-and much more too! Something is wrong here.
Many of us are preoccupied with our bodies . We invest heavily in disciplined physical fitness and expensive adornment. We tend to equate who we are with how we look-according to the latest trends of fashion and fame. It is easy to slip into too high a view of looks and reputation as a form of self-worship. Or we can find ourselves in the grips of too low a view of ourselves if we perceive we just don't make it. This method of determining self-worth is fickle and full of failure. We can always find those whom we think are below us and conclude we are okay, or even better. But we can always find others whom we perceive as better, leaving us with a trashy conclusion about our value. Neither point of reference is valid in the face of God's declaration of our uniqueness and eternal value. We are created " in the image and likeness of God " (Gen 1:26-31) and that is not to be minimized or inflated. We are not a pile of left over parts from heaven's defunct assembly line. And neither is any other human being-no matter how different they are from us. Another danger here is to begin to act as if every desire, passion, need for a thrill, or appetite is to be honored with unending gratification. That reduces us to being out of control consumers who end up being addicts and targets for every producer. It can also foster self-worship, and I know of no other dangerous god to worship than our drives. Appetites are wonderful servants but terrible masters. Life is a gift from God on loan to be lived in worship and thanksgiving-not to be consumed for that terrible trinity of "me, myself and I."
And then there is the whole realm of my opinions , values and convictions. I don't like change or challenge here. If I believe it or like it, you need to agree with me. This posture does not lend itself to hearing others well. It tends toward dismissing or de-meaning other people's thinking. One of the worst implications of this is loneliness. I also see some messianic tendencies toward taking a god-like posture where I'm right, while feeling like everyone else is wrong or just plain uninformed-even dumb. I'm challenged here when I see how both the Creator and Jesus respond to others over differences. They use questions, not just declarations that everyone must salute (Genesis 3 and over half of Jesus' conversations include him asking questions). They invite choice, and affirm diversity among their followers. Others count in the kingdom of God. It is also true that any one person or group only has a piece of the whole story on any topic. I need other perspectives, ideas, and insights in every area of thought to get close to reality. Humility of mind and spirit is maturity-and this is especially needed among the highly educated and traveled people. Offering the gift of serious consideration of another's views has the wonderful potential of gaining friends. Being right also can mean being lonely. That seems to be the acute sickness of our culture today.
I see all these tendencies toward being self-centered in me on a regular basis. Too much concern with ourselves stifles humility, generosity, and compassionate sacrifice for the benefit of others. I need accountability and limit-setting help on a regular basis. That is one of the main reasons why I keep going to church. I want to meet others who have acknowledged they too need help in harnessing sin, and its' terrible selfishness. I need to bow before God to worship and learn about Him, and me, and others. I want to define the world a bit less in terms of me and my stuff, and a bit more in terms of it all being God's and every person having eternal worth. Down with stuff and up with people. Stop me when you hear the "'me, my, mine" pattern-please!
However, let me be quick to add, possessive pronouns do have a profound place among the faithful. We should own our responsibility before God and our accountability for our sin and failure. I think I could grow in my willingness to use more powerful and personal language here. Christians should recover the lesson the founding fathers of Alcoholics Anonymous use so well from Scripture and introduce ourselves as, " Hi, I'm Pete and I am a sinner ." The constant reminder of my condition and my constant tendency to serve myself and no one else, much less God, would be a healthier state of mind. It would also serve as an invitation to all others looking for a place of acceptance and forgiveness. They might just begin to see Christs' church as a welcoming fellowship of recovering sinners, rather than an exclusive club of the self-righteous. Let's do get possessive about the right things-such as stewardship of gifts, service to all people and our sins. We just might recover the language of truly saying " I'm sorry " again. Blame-shifting might be harnessed and civility might be restored to our culture as people own their failures and honor each other with humility and compassion.
Remember to watch out for possessive pronouns in your life. They could be signals warning you of dangerous trends within. Ask others to alert you when they catch the dark side of this condition in you impacting them. Let's harness the self-centered little child in each of us.
The Lord be with you.
Pete Hammond is a PCUSA elder, a veteran staff member of InterVarsity who directs the Marketplace (r) division, and is the creative developer, team leader and chief contributor to the new Word In Life(tm) Study Bible. He and his wife Shirley live in Madison, WI and commute to Chicago regularly to see their grandchildren.
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